A Relaxing Day in the Garden

Greetings friends. It is Sunday, late afternoon, and we have had the best weather this weekend for yonks - glorious sunny days coupled with savagely cold nights so you wake up to sunlight on hoar frost, just gorgeous! So gorgeous in fact I gleefully abandoned all 'indoor' jobs (indoor = any location not outside - house, Sainsburys, Independant Financial Advisors, etc etc etc) and Took To The Garden. Now for those of you lucky people who have been to my house, you will know that although I don't own acres, I do have three gardens - 2 terraces at the front and a yard at the back. (NB the back yard was described as a 'split level paved patio area featuring displays of natural stone, with full-size shed' in the Estate Agents brochures...ok, it has some patio slabs and a bit of blue slate, there is a step and yes, I do indeed have a shed that is acually bigger than the back yard, but other that that, it is basically a yard!). Therefore I spent much time drinking tea standing alternately on the back step and the front step, pondering my land and wondering what I could do (that wouldn't cost a fortune) and which I would tackle first.



Well, Dylan and Thomas decided the priority area as we are now on Week 3 of co-habiting and if they don't start Going Outside More Often (to poop as well as burn off energy) we shall not be co-habiting for much longer. So, Tunnel Training #2 took place whilst I attacked the dodgy 'raised bed' area of the back yard which someone had basically built up (mostly out of broken paving slabs I discovered) around the v expensive and v nice yukka tree thing, stuck some log edging (have never been a fan but it does look ok when combined with slate), and then ruined by (a) covering it with white gravel (now so old it is tinged green) and (b) not planting anything in the raised bed bar one solitary daffodil which struggled its way through the perma-crust of green tinged gravel only to be annihalated by the cats! So this is now gravel free (added nicely to my aggregate garage area), has had some compost added and is now proudly playing host to a lavendar, rosemary, thyme and hebe plants! (And some cat poop which although sounds gross initially, believe you me the quicker they Do Their Business outside and not in a hideous litter tray the better, I am very Over Litter Tray Emptying, it is the worst form of lucky dip activity EVER!). So, vast improvement out back.



By this time it was 2pm on Sat and enthused by my success I tore round to the Front Garden and decided to Dig a Border in front of the house. This had four (of the obviously Bulk Purchase) paving slabs dug in on which the former owner stored her recycling bins, which I never understood cos this meant she had to trail through the house from the kitchen out the front door and half way across the lawn to put her empty wine bottle in the bin. Then every other Monday night she had to lug said recycling bin bacl across the lawn, and down 8 fairly massive steps in order for the recclying people to empty crack of dawn Tuesday. (To be fair it only seems to happen at the crack of dawn when I have forgotten to put them out Monday night. Every time i get organised they turn up about midday). I have since relocated bins to back yard and installed an inside temporary receptacle which saves all requirement to take rubbish outside (apart from once every other week when I drag wet bin in from outside, empty inside collection into it, and stagger down the 8 massive steps......!!). So, the paving slabs are suplus to requirements.



I casually bent down and tried to get a finger under the first slab - not happening. She had for once seemingly done a proper job and dug them in. So I returned with my garden fork and inserted a tine under the slab and casually lent on handle of fork. Nothing. No movement. So I lent a bit harder - nada. Finally, applying all my weight to the handle I finally achieved movement - the tine bent! 10 very cross minutes spent locating suitable hammer and banging tine vaguely back into line and I finally managed to heave the first slab out of the hole by inserting all four tines under it at once (lightbulb moment!). However, the minute I removed weight from fork the slab fell neatly nack into its slot. THis went on for some minutes until I managed to refine a complex manoeuvre in which I had to lift-then-push-forward-whilst-transferring-weight-from-both-legs-to-one-and-shoving-freed-foot-rapidly-under-raised-slab. Needless to say it was only by the fourth slab removal that I got the hang of just how high to raise the slab so as to avoid crushing injury to foot once fork released!



I now had a very uninspiring rectangle of mud with three sides of grass, four paving slabs that weighed a ton on my front step and many many pulled muscles. My neighbour at this appeared with a spindly ancient rusted cobwebby Mail Order type 'collasible trolley' contraption that she thought I could use to move the slabs. This seemed like a good idea until in my attemts to unfold the 'trolley' I managed to bend the main spar at least 45 degrees out of shape just by applying some slight pressure with my toe, I decided it probably wouldn't be up to the job, and hence I have what I am trying to persuade myself will be a nice 'plant step' on my front step (ie) a stack of four paving slabs. (However I am less concerned about this now as I have studied a number of front steps in the locality and this is a very common phenomenon. That was obviously some Bulk Purchase deal they had going a few years back!)



Gaining my second wind I attacked the mud and bits of grass with my fork and it turned over beautifully, it is lovely soil and I was instantly all enthused again - this is what gardening is all about, a few steps back are always offset by several more forward! So I decided I would cut out a path next to my new border crossing my lawn to accommodate the postman. Now I know this sounds a little bizarre, but our postman has perfected running across the top of all our lawns whilst flinging our mail vaguely in the direction of the letter box. This is obviously something he has been working on for many years because he has pretty much worn his own path across my lawn (now I understand why everyone else has gone for gravel) akin to an ancient badger trail. So I figured it would not be too much hassle to cut and roll the turf off a section prior to putting some slate down (I am now In To Slate - if you can't beat them and all that). So I started attacking the lawn. Needless to say the first two feet came up beautifully and I could have used the turf rolls in an turf roll advert. The next 45 feet were the hardest, stoniest, frozen-ist I could have encountered (the type of ground where your powerful thrust of shovel hits buried paving slab, jarring your wrists, forearms, elbows, upper arms, shoulders, teeth and skull simultaneously, and just as you are about to let rip loudly with a very choice swear word your elderly neighboiur pops back out to 'see how you are doing' so all you can is weakly gasp) and I eventually reached The Other Side about 2 hours later, sweating despite the sub-zero temperature, exhausted, covered in mud and grass and that peculiar sand stuff that buried paving slabs can turn into if struck often enough with a blunt shovel, and then all I had to do was manually transfer the apparent 10 tonne of turf 'bits' (gave up roll attempts about foot three) the measly strip of land I had cleared round to the back of my garage where my neighbour asked me to lay it so as to create a nice green area... have you ever moved turf bits? It weighs about 6 times more than its size would lead you to think...I started off filling a bucket but that was going to take hours, so I had the bright idea of dragging my wheelie bin round and using that as a tranfer vehicle. This was inspired - all 10 tonne thrown into bin in about 5 mins flat - until I came to move the bin - it was like the whole paving slab scenario re-bloody-visited!



I eventually dumped half the load back on the lawn, and did two runs with the wheelie bin (which interestingly each time I dragged it laden down the road, not a person was about, but each time I wheeld it back round empty and weightless the local gym kicked out and I was surrounded by burly men looking to help a damsel in distress. Typical) and then spent an aimless 40 minutes trying to piece together the bits into some sort of lawn. This was like knitting with grass, or completing a jigsaw with grass I guess - very hard to do but overly satisfying when you got a bit right! And it does look groovy behind the garage, although the minute I laid it it went straight back to looking like a few measly inches of lawn as oppose to the football field size it felt like to remove!



By this time it was dark, properly freezing and I was so tired I could barely put one foot in front of another. I put everything away, fed the cats (who had spent the whole afternoon sleeping off the tiring affect of their Morning Outside experience and were recharged to spend the night playing atg at 100mph round the house again, oh joy) and had the longest hottest bath which was of course agony as due to the sub zero temperatures I had inflicted many many injuries to my hands, feet, ankles, shins and thighs without apparently noticing, until that moment where you lower yourself into a steaming bath when it feels like you are being flayed alive with barbed wire - oooooouch! A substantial supper later (starving after all that work!) I retired to bed about 8.30 feeling as if I had gone 12 rounds with Ricky the Hit Man Hatton - so much for the gentle relaxing pasttime of gardening!



Needless to say I drove myself to Return To The Scene today and I have levelled-ish the path, laid 4 bags of plum slate (just 2 more needed!) and dug over the border again, so it is almost finished and does look much much better. If I ever get the enthusiasm to get the extra 2 bags of slate and lay them it will of course be a miracle, I now understand why the majority of slate paths/areas are a tad bare - the stuff weighs a ton and by the time you have got to the whole slate-laying activity, you are on your knees with exhaustion from the nightmare preparation of the area to be slated, and you frankly couldn't give a damn if it does have bare patches!!!



I am now off to have yet another bath to ease the aches of today's exertions before eating another substantial meal (weight loss through physical activity is not a feature of my genetic make up sadly) and falling into my bed at about 830 again no doubt! But it has been nice to put a little bit of me into my garden (my blood, my sweat, my tears, my flesh....) and the raised bed thing in the back yard looks fab from my kitchen window....however if that poxy postman doesn't use his new path I'll kill him! Love, a knackered gardener xxxxxxx

Uncomfortable Shoes

Hello all, apologies for leaving it almost a month between posts! Not sure what happened to the last 4 weeks (echos of last post ' what happened to the past 10 days' I know) but somehow they have passed in a flash....one weekend of course taken up with ChesterFest which was Absolutely Superb, thank you so much for making it a real Weekend To Remember! I have not laughed so much before or since for a long while, it was just the coolest. Can't wait for LiverFest now!!

Plus my two new housemates, Dylan and Thomas, moved in, who are of the feline species and who are as we speak playing 'tag' up and down the stairs at 100mph which will end any minute in a punch up which Thomas will win, but then he will be beset by guilt at hurting Dylan and will retreat into the sofa for the next 2 hours ... just like children! They are very groovy and make me laugh lots and I would not be without them now, even though they have only been here 2 weeks. And despite the fact they are costing me a small fortune in Felix and Hills Science Diet food. Not to mention the £200 investment in the world's most advanced Cat Tunnel that I had to have installed through my kitchen wall so they stand a small chance of surviving at least their first foray Outside! Which incidentally is planned for tomorrow. I am half looking forward to them being 'natural cats' and being able to entertain themsleves by slaying small animals and socialising with the local felines, and equally terrifiedthey will get squashed within about 3 mins of being let out in which case I shall (a) be distraught and (b) unable to face Gina ever again!

As soon as I have mastered the art of digital photos I will try and put some on here for you. Not that I harbour any desires to become 'please look at these pictures of my cats' (because from that point you are literally one step away from wearing Comfortable Shoes and thus may as well have a sign outside your house saying 'I have no friends, am socially inadeqaute and bat for the other side'), but because they are a fine looking pair and it will be nice for you all to see them just once. (If I do start to Go On about them it is your duty as my friends to put a stop to it)!

No other news really, work is craaaaaaazy at the mo, I unoffically-officially start the new job Monday, officially start sometime in April I think! By which time I will either have vaguely mastered the basics and be ok, or I will have totally collapsed under the pressure of trying to even vaguely master the basics in which case I'll be watching lots of daytime tv... No, it should be good, it is just a bit of a major learning curve - character building as my Dad would say!

On which note I am going to sign off as it is Friday and thus the weekend, yippee! Time for a celebratory glass of vino. Have fun all and I wil try my hardest to post something more interesting in the next few days as oppose to weeks......